So Close, and yet So Far

I recently went to Singapore for a mini-holiday, and had a great time. Throughout my time there, i can't help but compare their ways and ours, which are somewhat different, despite the fact that we are neighbours. In some ways, i wouldn't mind adopting their ways of life, and in some other ways, i think i'll stick to my Malaysian styles - which i think is only fair. After all, we sometimes wish to have what we don't, as all looks shiny and pretty from afar.


However, i can't help but wish we have more of what they have in one particular department - mannerisms. Of course, my short stay doesn't justify my opinion on the matter (i might've just been there at the right time, or the fact that i was a tourist made a difference). This was what happened.


About a few days before my trip to Singapore, i went to a local shopping department, where a new Coach store had just launched. It was so new that they didn't even have any of those safety detector thingy on the entrances yet - instead, they had red velvet ropes bordering the doors with a guard keeping watch at all times. Still in my work outfits, i approached the store and saw that the ropes were all up, and i couldn't get in. Politely, i asked the guard whether or not it was possible for me to enter. He stared me down, checking my outfit up and down, nodded, (at this point i was wondering if the judging of the outfits was necessary) and let me in.


Of course, none of the salespeople even looked at me in my baju kurung and ultra comfy teaching shoes. Then, a chinese girl in jeans and t shirt asked one of the salespeople about the pricing of a small coin purse - the price tag was nowhere in sight. The salesgirl looked annoyed and told her to check for price tags in the purse. The girl seriously looked offended, as was i who was right next to her.


Then, a fancy dressing lady with an expensive bag asked the same salesgirl the same question about the same purse, and the girl went through all the trouble to actually check out the pricing for the lady! Talk about double standards!


It's not like these people are suddenly of a different class just because they work at the store. Why the turning down of the nose for us normall dressing people? Don't we deserve the same treatment? I'm sorry to say, but if such treatment were to take place in Gucci or Louis Vuitton, i believe i wouldn't feel so offended.


Still, i have to say, that my experience in a different branch in kl was different - No looking down, no snobbishness, no double standards - all were polite. And that branch is at a much posh-er shopping complex too!


While shopping for perfume in Chanel in Singapore, the very friendly salesgirl was very patient with my ummms and ahhhs and confusions and changing minds. She smiled and tended to me as if i was the most important person in the whole world. After my purchase, she told me to go to the Customer Service department for my GST declaration, and i, who was on a solo (without my family) holiday for the first time, had no idea what a GST was.


So she politely and very patiently explained the whole GST business to me, walking me through each steps that i have to take to make my claims, answering every single impossible question i had to ask.


Maybe it's just the typical double standard being in me speaking, but i saw a huge difference in the way i was treated in that Coach store here and the Chanel store in Singapore.


I just have to wonder. How can the norms of the people from two countries that are so close - so close that they were once a single country - can be so different? Again, i believe i am generalizing, but lets face it, we do face some sour-pussed service people on a day to day basis. I just hope that with that realization, i can cease to be one from now on. God Willing.

Double Spoilers

So last night, Kak Win and i went to a theatre. We booked the tickets weeks ago, and were very excited to see it. In fact, i was so excited, i actually set my mind that the theatre was a week earlier!!! Lucky Kak Win corrected me. Otherwise, i would've been in front of Istana Budaya last week, waiting for a theatre that has yet to begin.


Our ticket was of the lower class, of course, but we didn't care. So long as we get to watch it. So we went, and this being my first time at Istana Budaya, i found it hard to hide my grins! True to its price, our seats were the second row from the stage. Next to me was a man, with a huge camera. I smiled at him, and he at me. We sat down, and waited patiently for the theatre to start.


The theatre was OK. Not super good, but it wasn't bad either. It could've been stronger, and the songs were not as catchy as most theatres i've been to (like 10 years ago). Still, i thought they captured the story well, and i felt for Natrah - all the things she had to endure at such a young age. All in all, i enjoyed the whole thing.

Except for one part. One very annoying part that almost made me rip someone's head off.


The f***ing photographer sitting next to me began snapping pictures the moment Sofea Jane came out, and only stopped when she came out again at the very end with her closing monologue. ClickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickCLICK!!!!!!!


Out of respect for the audience i kept quiet, and i suppose he did that as directed by whoever, as we were right at the centre of the stage.


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Confessions of a DVDhollic

Picture Credit Here

I have a huge problem. I am constantly pulled to purchase DVD sets of various series always shown on TV. Every time i see a new season of a particular series, i get a rush and a nagging 'i must have it' feeling that would often end up with me adding the boxed set to an already high pile of DVDs.

The thing is, i don't exactly have a budget for all these series. I just can't help myself. I mean, these things don't come cheap (although the pirated ones are not bad, but still, they cost money!!). I would sometimes walk around, feeling on top of the world cause the weekend is nearly over and i still have some cash in my pockets - thinking to myself, 'hey, you did good! you actually went under budget this week!' - and would be confident that i would have a lot leftover by the end of the month.

And then i 'unintentionally' walked into a DVD store. No reason. No intention of buying anything. Just to have a look see. But then, as if in a daze, i would take one set after the other, and walk out with a happy heart, knowing that i can spend the night doing what i love the most - lounging in front of the TV and watching one episode after another of my favourite TV shows in a row.... without the annoying interruption of adverstisements!!! And then, of course, i don't have to wait for next week to find out what's happening next!

Then on the next day, i would go out to buy my lunch, and what do you know?? My purse is completely empty! I would stand there cursing under my breath, thinking that someone would've had to have taken the money out of my purse..... only to pause and realize.... oh yeah.. that was me. Last night. All the DVDs. Sigh.............

My Tv cabinet looks fit to be in a DVD store. I shudder to think how much i have spent on those discs. Pretty sure that's one of the reasons i don't have a decent sofa in front of the TV. Or air-conditioning in my room. Or a kitchen cabinet. Or a house of my own.

But see, some people look forward to going home at the end of a work day to spend time with their family, and the weekend to go out with them. Me? My nights are spent in front of the TV, while waiting for my Abang to come home, watching these DVD series (and the 'occasional' movies). And my weekends are spent going out with Kona, watching movies and eating our hearts out, and then later, i would go home, and spend my precious time watching the series again.

A small price to pay for me to avoid the fact that i am lonely.

Shall we postpone????

Thought of starting something today. I was determined to do it too! Was all set to start up and was even preparing myself mentally for it.

NO MORE FASTFOOD!!!! From now on they shall serve as an indulgence that i shall only entertain IF there are ABSOLUTELY NO OTHER CHOICES AROUND!

I have had enough! No more being a slave to fast food. No more wasting my hard-earned greens on something that is so un-nutritional. I magine how much cash i can save!

I shall stand tall, and soon, stand slimmer. This i vouch with all my heart. NO MORE FASTFOOD! NO MORE FASTFOOD! NO MORE FASTFOOD!

I stood by my decision. I chose to distract myself from the thought by burying myself with work. As i sat applying for my annual leave, i heard Victor spoke to Adnan at the main office. It was about FASTFOOD. I ignored it. I am done, remember????

Then Victor mentioned the magic words. He and Adnan talked for a while and then rushed off to the nearest restaurant.............

I was beginning to get cold sweats..... i can't help but see it, taste it in my mind..... the thing that i've always been waiting for when the time comes.......

PROSPERITY BURGER!!!!!!!!

Can i postpone???????? I am indeed, only Human!

Split in the Middle

I had recently came back from an office family day which was held in a rather famous resort in our most historic city. On our first night, on the way to dinner, we were greeted by some of the staff with various animals for us to take pictures with. I kinda shrunk away from the parrot (i had no idea parrots are that huge!!!! and the beak kinda looked dangerous!!!!) and had to pass through a tiger in order to get in. I got quite excited (and scared at the same time, but then, when else am i gonna meet a tiger??? not that i would want to!) and decided to let the man snap a picture of the tiger and myself.


When i walked up, a noticed that the tiger was lying on its side, head down, as if it was tired or sleepy. Everytime someone walked in to take pictures with it, the staff would lift its head up (force it up if its reluctant) let go and quickly get out of the shot. When i saw this, i asked the staff - did you guys drug him or something? And they said - Nah, he just ate 4 whole chickens! He's just full and sleepy!!!


I accepted the answer, patted the tiger, and took the picture. Then my good friend Yules came in, and said that she didn't take pictures with the tiger, as she is completely against using animals in such a way.


Suddenly i did not feel good about myself. I had gotten so excited about snapping a picture with the magnificent animal that it didn't even occur to me that i might've contributed to an act of cruelty.


When i looked at the picture, i saw how tired the tiger looked, and for the first time i saw the chain that was holding it down by the neck (which i suppose was necessary considering we are made of top-notch meat). Then, the sight of the staff forcing its head up kept replaying in my head. I know it probably did not hurt the tiger, but i had to wonder - would i have liked it if people keep forcing my head up like that?


When i take pictures, the flash from the camera always hurts my eyes. Imagine how it would be for the tiger - it had hundreds of pictures taken. And another thing that kept on bugging me was the fact that i believed the man when he said the tiger was just sleepy. Others that i've talked to kept saying how it looked dopey - like it was drugged. If it was, i regret having the picture taken - it would mean that i have contributed to this gorgeous creature being drugged.


And now, i am splitting inside. Half of me is thinking - COOL! You took pictures with a tiger!, while the other half is thinking - poor tiger! We humans are cruel to have done whatever may have been done to keep the creature docile.


Of course, i may have been over-reacting. For all i know, the tiger receives the ultimate royal treatment for being one of the main attractions at the resort. Although, for my own self-conscience, i do hope with all my heart that it WAS just full and sleepy, rather than being drugged, cause i'd hate to think that i have something to do with something i consider to be inhumane.

A Slap on the Face

A few weeks ago, before attending a working event at a local hotel, i decided to have some "maintainance" work done.... the usual waxings and facials, nothing much. So after an hour and a half of excruciating pain (oh, the things we women do to stay pretty and shiny), i stepped outside and checked my messages on my phone.


I stopped in front of a store nextdoor and concentrated on reading and replying the text i'd received. Then my phone rang. So i picked up, and talked to my colleague - all the while staring into the store in front of me. I thought to myself, 'how pretty... the place looks professional. Oooh... look at those pretty ladies in nice clean uniforms'. I kept on talking and after a few minutes i hung up, and turn around.....


WHOA!!!!!


Two of the pretty ladies i'd watched in the store were in front of me, giving me their sweetest smiles. They asked "yes miss, may we help you? would you like to hear about our services?". Stunned, i looked up at the sign to see.......

****** WEIGHT MANAGEMENT

What a slap in the face!!!!!! I mean, i was not offended or anything, and i commend them on doing their jobs, but standing there i felt that if i were the slim person i once was instead of this blubber i've become, my face would not have felt as thick!!!!!!

You'd think that would have set me off to another gym right?

Well, so far, it's a no go. But i can keep on hoping!

Fancy-Schmancy Spoilers

Once upon a 100 years ago, i joined a fancy, upscale gym located at one of the foremost shopping centres in Damansara. The fees were enough to give me nightmares, but the facilities were enough to make you feel like you're in a weightloss heaven.


The place kinda injects this hyper-power inside you from the moment you enter - everything makes you feel jazzed about working out. The in-house cafe with the quaint tables where you can have a drink and refresh after your workout, the lines of treadmills, stairmasters and rowing machines in front of rows of 29-inch TVs, snazzy music blarring from the high-tech speakers, the huge studio full of spinning chairs, the second floor with all the latest gadgets and machineries that practically pulls the fat right out of your body, the dance studio where you get to take pilates, yoga, combat, dance and aerobics lessons, the locker rooms with the built-in sauna and steam rooms and the swanky showers - everything made working out feel like the greatest thing to do ever. I mean, they even have airconditioning with top-of-the-line deodorizing ventilation system that makes the place smell like a garden despite having men and women sweat their bodyweights off on the pristine carpets!!!


When you step out, fresh from the mega workout and the heavenly showers you took, there's an endless row of restaurants and cafes for you to choose from to unwind (also the reason why my pockets were lighter and my weight plateaued)... even karaoke and massage parlours. I mean, what else could you ask for???


After 3 months of religious workout, i had to quit due to my relocation to an out-of-state office (yyyeeaaah..... that's the reason. nothing to do with my being lazy to workout). Lately, i have been feeling super sluggish, and began a frantic search for a new, nearby gym that is convenient enough for me to work out in.


The thing is, after you've seen what a gym could look like, you compare them to the ones you see now. I mean, how does a 3rd floor shoplot with no airconditioning (yep, imagine that - musty, sweatsoaked carpets, no airconditioning nor proper ventilation), rusty 100 years old equipments, and one tiny showerhead in the bathroom (which incidentally also serves as the changing room) compare to a swanky, world-wide recognized fancy gym????


It does not. Not even close.


Darn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Closet Hoarder

Just a few weeks ago, i saw an episode of Oprah that centred on the life of a self-confessed hoarder. As i watch the scene where all the stuff in her house was sorted and neatly compiled in a 10,000sf warehouse (yeap, filled it right to the top!), i wondered to myself, 'how on earth did she let it come to that??'. I mean, her house was this gorgeous bungalow, with plenty of space, but no one can see the beautiful structure of the house - it'd all been filled up to the brim with stuff that she will never use (or maybe thought she might, but never got round to it). At that point, i thought, well, i know I will never come to such situation - i throw everything out.


Or so i thought.


Today, as i was spring-cleaning the house, i opened the shoe cabinet to clear the floor off the shoes we'd just kicked off in the foyer (is 5sf of space o foyer?). Alas, my shoe cabinet was already filled with shoes. I thought to myself, 'i need a new shoe cabinet'. I even knew exactly which cabinet i was gonna get (the benefit of browsing in IKEA at whatever chance i get!).


But then, in an attempt to stuff the shoes in anyway, i picked up a pair of old shoes (that i have not worn for like 2 years) and the heels fell off!!! I didn't even touch the heels. I picked it up, and it just fell right off! When i tried to pick the heels up (in hthe hope that i would be able to glue them back on), they crumbled. They were expensive too. Not some cheap shoes i bought for 30 bucks. They were branded, and cost me a bundle. My not wearing them caused them to slowly roit in the shoe cabinet, hence the fallen heels. In my state of disbelief, i picked up a pair of my old sport shoes, and pressed on the heels - the whole thing disintergrated right there in my hands.


I checked all the shoes i kept in there - 80% had 'expired' while i 'swore' to wear them again one day. I put them all in a trash bag, and i couldn't even tie the bag up afterwards. That's when i realized.......


Hello, my name is Ozzie, and i am a mini-hoarder.


Maybe that lady on Oprah started out just like me. We buy things, wear them once or twice and then move on to the newer stuff that we got. Eventually, without us even realizing it, the stuff we swore we would use again had piled up, and if we're not careful, we could end up living in a pile of stuff, or even worse, JUNK.


The remains of my poor, disintergrated shoes have been disposed. I am currently making rounds, ensuring that nothing else had disintergrated itself while i wait to use them again one day. I am officially decluttering. Although, i have to say, i know for a fact that a day would come, when i would need the stuff desperately, and regret this day.

Judged by the Cover

I had just came back from an official duty which stretched for 6 whole days. Twas my first time participating at such an event... thought it won't look bad on my resume - plus, twas a chance to make some extra pocket change.


Twas hard work. I spent days struggling to keep up, when others made it look easy. I skipped meals and stayed in my room most of the time to make sure i got the job done.


So when i'd finally got the job done, i decided that it was time to go out for a drink with some friends. All that was left was some data entry thing which, at that point, i felt i was unfit to complete, as i was super tired, and i wanted to avoid making silly mistakes.


Alas, on my way out, i ran into my group leader, who didn't say much - just a smile and a hello. The next day, he called me out during our group session, and said i have to be more serious when doing my job. He hinted that going out when i had work to do was an irresponsible thing to do. A red-faced me promised to never repeat what i did - and after an expalanation from me, he accepted that going out was not that big of a deal.


What really bothered me was this man - as great a leader as he was - chose to judge me without knowing me at all. He did not see the skipping of meals, the staying in my room, the staying up late at night, and the efforts i put into the task i was given. He chose to call me out on the one thing i did (and desperately needed) once my task had been accomplished. I thought it was a tad unfair.


The thing that bothered me more than that was the fact that he chose to announce the matter during our group meeting - it's not enough that he had misjudged me, now the whole group saw me as someone who takes her tasks lightly. As if i am not self-conscious enough already.


This is not the first time someone humiliated me publicly. The question is, why do i keep taking it? Everytime someone does this to me, i just sit there, red in the face, thickly trying to cover my humiliation with some bad joke. After the whole scene was over, i would dream of things i should've done or said to the person, but of course, it would've been too late. Oh, who am i kidding? I would never have the guts to say the things i say in my head to people's faces.


I don't know if i had done something like that to others in the past (and it's just karma coming back to bite me in the ass), or of this is just a test from Him. But my low self-esteem would not be able to handle anymore. But the thing is - more than i hope people would stop doing that to me - i ardently hope that i would never have the quick tongue to retaliate, or to have some smart remarks in reply, cause that would mean i might embarass someone else in the process.

Envy Part 2

This entry is very much belated. I guess it took me this long to actually write this without an ounce of jealousy in my heart. Believe me, i am again, in the wrong for one of the cardinal sins - Envy.

I have a good friend, Kak N, who shares my obsession, love and hatred (which is secretly jealousy) over the Domestic Goddess, Nigella Lawson. For some reason, her TV and decoder too, magically switches to Nigella's show whenever it's on. Whenever we meet, we would have a discussion over how sinful the food the goddess whipped up that week on TV. We would swoon over imagining what these food taste like, and salivate over the delicious sounds made during the show. We even exchange text messages during the show, each claiming to hate the woman more and more every episode, only to go to bed wishing we could cook like her.

Indeed, we are envious of Nigella.

Anyway, turns out Kak N likes to experiment, and she loves cooking. Still, the way she would talk of Nigella's talents kinda made me feel rather secure - surely someone who envies Nigella (of all people) as much as i do (if not more) can't be that good a cook right? Right????????

RIGHT!!!!!!!

A few weeks ago, she invited me over to her house as part of an all-day Terjah Raya thing our officemates arranged. I went in, and saw......

Delicious Blueberry Tartlets!

Strawberry Tartlets with tonnes of soft, gooey cheese!!!

Some Prawny, tart-like thingies that melted in my mouth!!!!!!

ALL MADE WITH HER TWO LIL HANDS!!!!

I WAS HIGH FROM THE DELICIOUSNESS OF IT ALL FOR DAYS!

To add to the seriousness (in my eyes at least) of the situation, she also made this delicious chicken pie thing that was so delicious.... FROM SCRATCH!!!!!!!! (photo not available as we gobbled the thing up in a matter of minutes!)


So Kak N, i officially declare that you are no longer fit to envy Nigella with me - You already are a great cook! I would hate you too, but then you let me tapau some of your delish tartlets, so i kinda have a soft spot for you now... Not that i never had one already for you dear friend... (",)



Although, since my house is so close to yours, perhaps i can pull a Nigella, and sneak out of my house in the middle of the night and knock on your door for delicious treats huh???? Well, that's as close to Nigella as i can ever get!



Love you Kak N... cook some more for me soon!!!

Anok Tghanung Part 2

It was 5am in the late 60s. TokWan and TokKi had just received the first news from MakTeh since she'd left for ITM in Shah Alam. They didn't have a phone, so MakTeh had called one of the uncles, who had one, and he'd arranged to have TokWan and TokKi speak to MakTeh at his house.

So that morning, while wrapping Nasi Lemak to sell, they had a discussion about their child. Abah, who woke up early, heard the couple talking from his room.

TokWan: Mek Semoh kata dia buleh biasiswa.

TokKi: Bghapa ghiya?

TokWan: Dia dok kkabo. Dia kata makang buleh peghee. Pagi oghang wi ghuti. Tengohaghi makang nasik. Petang oghang wi sengwechih (an old lady's way of saying sandwiches). Malang buleh nasik skali agi.

TokKi: Mana oghang wi sengwechih? Dia dok kata sengwechih eh.

TokWan: IYE. Dia kabo dia buleh sengwechih petang2.

TokKi: Bukang sengwechih. Mung tu pekok, tapi takmboh ngakku. Oghang kata laing mung dengo laing.

TokWan: Lak, aku dengo betebbeno dia kata sengwechih.

TokKi: Payoh sungguh ccakak nga oghang pekok ni. Bukang sengwechih!

TokWan: Ya Allah, IYE. Dia sebok sengwechih! Hok ghuti bubuh telo ttengoh tu! Oghang putih pangge sengwechih kang?

TokKi: Hmph... payoh sungguh la mung ni. Bukang sengwechih la!! SENGCHIWES!!


For those who didn't understand a word of the above dialogue, indulge me. I'm just a GrandDaughter, missing her grandparents so much that she can't help but reminisce about the loving couple, even if it's just from Abah's memory. I only hope that my marriage can be as happy as theirs - they were a couple who were married during their teens, fought and disagreed every day, and yet loved each other more than words can say, til death did them part.

In memory of TokWan, TokKi, one of the most loving couples i have known in my life. I miss you guys dearly. Wish you were here. May they Rest in Peace... AlFatihah.

Anok Tghanung

It was 1980s. A family was out shopping in Jalan TAR for Raya clothes, first at Globe, and now Mun Loong. The parents came from Terengganu. Their two daughters were well taught in the TerengganuSpeak, and use the dialect as their first language at home. They were however, born and raised in Kuala Lumpur.

Ozzie, the older of the two girls was sulking - she was tired, and her Ma wouldn't let her break her fast (plus, she hated shopping in a crowded area) - and Kona, the baby of the family, was innocently holding on to Abah's hand, while he waited patiently for Ma to finish her shopping.


Then, Kona spoke.


Kona: Aboh, nok keching

Abah: Na owk la dulu

Kona: OK


Silence. Minutes went by. Then Kona spoke again. This time in a more urgent tone.


Kona: Aboh, nok keching!

Abah: Oghang ghama ning. Na owk la dulu. Ok?

Kona: OK.


Another silence. Kona looked restless, and swayed about in her pink ruffled dress and shiny red shoes. She spoke again, this time pulling Abah's hands at the same time.


Kona: Aboh, Na nok keching!!!!!!

Abah: Owk gok dulu!! Oghang ghama ning!! Dok napok ke?! Nok gi jjambang payoh masa ning!! Kekgi skenk la!!!!!!!


Silence. Tears slowly rolled down Kona's face. Then she looked at Abah, and asked,


"Aboh, 'owk' tu pende?"

Just a memory of a bored teacher - who's wishing she could be at a restaurant with her beloved sister, rather than sitting here doing nothing at the office!

Rantings of a Tired Ozzie

I LOVE "I"

I GET TO BLOG AND B***H ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS VIA THE "I"

I GET TO SURF AND LEARN LOTS OF NEW THINGS WITH "I"

I GET TO RECONNECT WITH FRIENDS FROM "ZAMAN DOLU-DOLU KALA" THROUGH "I"

I HAVE BECOME A BETTER COOK (A TEENSY BIT, PERHAPS) BY SURFING FOR RECIPES ON THE "I"

I GET TO WATCH TONNES OF FUN VIDEOS ON THE "I"

"I" IS FUN!!!!!!

"I" IS MY BEST FRIEND!

but then, sometimes, when "I" refuses to cooperate - when it dilly-dallies and hangs for no good reason, when it crawls and moves at its own convenience, taking its own super sweet time, especially when one is super tired and hungry and sleepy and just want to get their work over and done with - one does wish that "I" is a person - an actual physical person that one can yell at, strangle, shake, punch, kick , or even KILL!!!!!!!

p/s: "I", if you're reading this, don't take this to heart... it's just the rantings of a tired mind. I love you still!!!

Raya Express

As per typical post raya celebration, we get calls from relatives saying they want to come over for Hari Raya. Of course, having spent Raya away from them, I am happy to oblige. But then, the usual panic attack takes place.

What do i serve??????

Being one of the worst chefs in the world I can only cook one item - Spaghetti (and i'm proud to say, the spaghetti does not come from a Prego jar!! I make them from scratch, kudos to the teaching of my beloved Kak Sal and her Italian hubby - thanks guys!). But something tells me that spaghetti does not exactly scream Raya to anyone else in my family (more like my sister Kona telling me - Kak, you need to learn another recipe!)

I suppose I could turn to trusty old Pak Mal and his ever-so-delicious Nasi Ayam and Mee Hoon Soto. Those ought to tempt quite a few palates! My mouth is watering as we speak... The ever so spicy soup, and the super hot sambal kicap with tonnes of garlic and cili padi makes the meal have that extra zing. I'm sure everyone would be happy, and that all tummies would be full to the brim when served Pak Mal's works of art.

But then, it wouldn't be personal now would it? I mean, it would be my family, in my house, eating meals prepared by a genius, who just happens to be someone other than myself. That sort of takes away from the Raya mood doesn't it?

Oh well... I guess them eating my boring Spaghetti (yet again) doesn't exactly scream Raya mood either does it? Plus, it's better for them to eat Pak Mal's handiworks rather than have them fall ill with my abysmal excuse of a Raya meal!

Numbed

Just as i was logging off after yesterday's ridiculous entry, i received a phone call - informing me of the tragic, and sudden passing of a colleague. She had a cardiac arrest and collapsed at a mall, while having drinks with her cousin. She was 33.

It was news i had not expected to hear. To our knowledge, she was healthy. I felt numb. I didn't cry, but i can't exactly describe how i felt at that moment.

I didn't know her that well. We didn't hang out or go out together. Suffice to say that we acknowledged each other, had polite conversations about the weather, and smiled to each other along the office corridors. But but when i heard she'd passed, i can't help but feel at a loss.

The last time i had contact with her was maybe 2 days before raya - she'd sent me a text wishing me the usual happy eid and maaf zahir batin. I too then, sent a similar text to all my colleagues - her included. The last time i saw her was perhaps a week before Ramadhan - it was during a vetting session in PJ campus. She was quiet, and looked a little forlorn and tired. On my way out of the meeting, i patted her on the shoulder, and she smiled at me.

Now that she's gone, i can't help but wish - instead of just giving her a quick pat on the shoulder, i wish i would've sat down and talked to her a bit. Maybe ask how she's doing. Instead of giving her a Raya text as part of a text i sent everyone (and now i'm paranoid that she might've not even received the text from me after all - with all the sms traffic during raya who knows??) i wish i would've sent her a personal text, just for her. Instead of smiling at her in the corridors, i wish i would've made the effort to get to know her a little better. I wish i would've talked to her more, be a bit friendlier towards her.

I wish. I wish. I wish.

I know it's a little too late for me to wish all these things, but i hope i have learned my lesson. Maybe it's better to just get to know people around you as well as you can manage to, and be nice to everyone, if not for other reasons, just for the sake of having a peaceful mind when someone passes way before their time, that you have done all you can to be nice to them. At least you don't regret anything, and at least you won't keep torturing yourself with all the "i wish-es" like i do right now.

Yesterday, i mentioned that my writer's block was due to my being happy - that i was too contented to have anything to complain about.

This is not how i hoped my inspiration to write would come.

To my friend, may Allah bless your soul, and may you rest in peace with Him. As for me, i can only pray for your peacefulness There, and try my best to be the good friend that i never was to you here on earth. InsyaAllah, we will meet again one day, in the HereAfter.

AlFatihah, to Allahyarhamah Marlina Mohd Zain (1976-2009).